You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
