What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
