We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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