I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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