So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
