Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
