It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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