i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I would fuck him just for his dog
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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