what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
