and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
