I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize