Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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