Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
