He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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