I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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