So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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