So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
