why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
