Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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