Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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