you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
