Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
