i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
