It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
