I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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