Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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