If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
