I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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