if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
