so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Randomize
