What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
When are your genitals available?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
