I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
