He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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