Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
