it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
