I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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