I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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