I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
