Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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