I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
