He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
