I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
