this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
