You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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