I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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