He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
