FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
