The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
