I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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