"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
