i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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