then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
