I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
