I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
