Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
