I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
