oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
