Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
how drunk are you?
Several
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
