gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
