Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
