i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
