careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
