i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
