if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
