i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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