On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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