i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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